Mùa Hè 2012
Xuân Thi
Xuanthi299@Yahoo.com

Light Footsteps In Late Night Garden
 
Mai sau dẫu có bao giờ
Đốt lò hương ấy so tơ phím này
Trông ra ngọn cỏ lá cây
Thấy hiu hiu gió thì hay chị về
(Nguyễn Du)

     Just when the customer walked out of the shop, I hurriedly closed the door because, in this season, evenings came very fast. This stranger only asked for a cup of dark coffee and sat there sipping on the cup for a long time, making me slightly impatient. In the darkest corner of the shop, he seemed to have observed me closely. I was a little uncomfortable, being looked at through his lock of hair in "the Phuong Dung" style that covered half of his face. I played the spying game back at him. He also looked familiar to me but that did not matter because all H.O. men have the same familiar looks. They dressed the same way. When they went out, morning, afternoon, or evening they would only put on a windbreaker and a pair of jeans or sometimes wear a pair of sloppy Japanese slippers. It looked like they always had something bothering them. Their eyes sometimes seemed to be staring at something but sometimes looked idly. These H.O men, please allow me to call them like that, usually came to my shop sipping their coffee by themselves. Each of them had their world of inner thoughts. I understand the pains that they had to endure for many years of suffering and agonizing in the "re-education" prisons that stayed forever in their souls.
     On the tables that the stranger left, I saw a few lines, or rather the two verses written on a napkin paper. Suddenly I screamed, my legs turned weak because the purple ink and the handwriting belonged to nobody else...those two verses were especially for me, they had been kept as a priceless treasure in the memorial monument, a sacred space that every time someone came in they would be reminded " Please keep quiet if you are admiring these memorial monuments."

     I hastily drove home, my hands and legs still shaking, thinking about what Tram, my assistant girl in the shop said to me " Miss, why is this coffee cup still untouched and the change is still here." I ran out to the front of the store, looking for the stranger among the people walking back and forth. Where did he disappear to? And I only saw the pale sunlight at the corner of the street. There seemed to be someone's footsteps walking near and far. And then I asked Tram: "Did you see a piece of paper on the table? Tram calmly answered, " No, what paper ?" Only I knew who that guest was.

     I struggled behind the steering wheel "Oh Tan! Are you still alive or are you a ghost coming back to visit me? Those lines in purple ink are yours. Whose else could that be? Honey, if you are really hallow, please protect me, don't make me scared, your poor girl.
     But when I parked the car in front of my house, suddenly I stopped. I rarely returned to this beautiful house but I slept at my parents' house for a simple reason. have been sleeping at my mother's house for a simple reason. "I am afraid of ghosts".
     On the nights when I was sleeping in this house, I had to lock all the doors, turned on the lights, and covered my eyes to sleep.

                         Yết đế yết đế ba la yết đế
                         Ba la tăng yết đế bồ đề tát bà la.....
                                                       (Tâm Kinh)

     Even so, I still stayed awake. Do I have enough courage to live alone tonight?
     Vaguely, there seemed to have an unexplained force pushing me to open the door. The clicking sound that came from the stuck door pierced the darkness of the immense room. I went straight to the bookcase to look for the storage boxes in which I kept the materials that I had marked outside the box "Memory of '75". There was a Bach Khoa magazine - a special edition for New Year with an article written by our teacher Tran Mong Giac, there was also the novel Phuong Vy by Duyen Anh. These were the things that by chance had already been in my purse before the evacuation. There was also a biscuit box containing Tan's letters.

     Before 1975, at the age of 16, I found myself still young, still innocently living in the town of Qui Nhon with the windy and blue ocean, and the sunshine embroiled flowers on the streets connecting the schools. That fairy school age had been recorded in Tan's letters:

     "My dear, the summer arrived on the streets of Qui Nhon also is the season to prepare new clothes for the opening of the school year. The little girl who usually hangs around with adults now has a world of her own. Yesterday in front of everyone in the family with my presence, you showed off your long dress that you called "the adult style" asked everyone"Is this pretty?", and laughed innocently. But when I said "Very pretty!" I couldn't say it as naturally as I used to because... you were really pretty...You have shown the new look of a teenager. From now on, the streets of Qui Nhon will look nicer. The afternoon sunlight on the blue sea will make people's hearts flutter, the autumn wind over Qui Nhon will make you feel sadder, and the sunlight can be seen on your hair. The yellow sparkling flowers on the streets where you were passing by in the winter won't feel cold anymore because the spring will have you in it, and I will be with you, only you..."

     Those wonderful and innocent times have never returned. The Heaven door had just been unveiled but closed quickly when the disaster was about to hit the dear city. And my life, my soul was crushed in a whirlwind of becoming refugees.
     In the moment of feeling lost and lonely looking for my Mom and Dad, brothers and sisters on the Wake Island I met Phuong, Tan's sister. My joy hasn't even broken out yet but had to stop when Phuong told me " I brought with me a box of Tan's letters with his final words written on it " If something ever happens to me please deliver these unsent letters to Xuan. " Phuong continued " On the funeral service day I saw you but I didn't have the heart to think of anything until the day I hurriedly packed things to leave for Saigon. I saw the box right in front of me, I broke out in tears because I had almost forgotten about the box. Xuan, did he want to remind us of his letters? His soul was so powerful. What caused me to meet you again today?
     That night when I went back to my room, I only skipped through the pages of those letters. I had so many things in mind. I just escaped death myself and was looking for a way to live. From then on, the letters followed me wherever I went, through countless times moving in the U.S.A. My refugee life had so many things to worry about that I almost forgot myself, let alone thinking about the memory. Every time I cleaned up my house, those letters were also opened because they were so attractive that it took me part of the day to read them. Every time I put those letters full of sweet loving thoughts away, it was like sending them back to the nothingness, to a lover on the other side of the world.
     Until this afternoon, when Tan appeared at the shop I did not even believe in the sixth sense. In Tan's case, I did not receive any mysterious signs about Tan's death. I remembered on the funeral service day at his house, I looked at him in the picture on the altar, wearing a military red beret but I did not have any feeling that he had already died. His family said they had not found his body yet only his dog tag and the box of letters.

     Tan used to be a friend of my brother. They were classmates. Almost every day Tan spent time at my house, I considered him a brother like my own. I often hung around with him and participated in activities with my brothers like going to the movie, attending a concert at school, or going to the beach. At night we went out to eat desserts at Tang Bat Ho Street, near the Bo De school. Saturday and Sunday we were just wandering around.

     This afternoon, when I was reading these letters again I reminisced about the old days in which you had the sweet taste of love, the innocence of the school-age, the passion of the young lover, but most importantly, it was the repaint of the picture of the dead.

                    Hồn tử sĩ gió ù ù thổi
                    Mặt chinh phu trăng dõi dõi soi
                    Chinh phu tử sĩ mấy người
                    Nào ai mạc mặt, nào ai gọi hồn.
                                        (Chinh Phụ Ngâm)

     In order to overcome my fear, I lit up an incense stick on the altar for Budha and picked out some Ilang-Ilang flowers whose fragrance spread out all over the quiet garden and put them next to the box lid. I wanted to call for the soul of the dead by spending a long time in the Zen posture until my soul became quiet...

     Since I was little, my father used to say that I could be a "medium", which means I was blessed with a special ability like him which is the sixth sense, an ability to speculate about things with the intuitive thinking of my own. And my father silently encouraged me to be interested in horoscopes but it was too complicated. I gave up and focused on meditation instead. Many times I had seen things that were going to happen, like when I told my mother about a dream:" I saw Viet and he told me that he was already dead. He had blood on his body." Later that afternoon, my aunt Hoang, my mother's sister came over crying her heart out to give us the news that Viet had stepped on a landmine near the foot of the bridge when he was on the way to Dap Da to visit his grandma and died. She wanted to ask my father to help her find Viet's arm that landed somewhere and they couldn't find it. At that moment I blurted out without thinking " It is in the bush under the bridge on the left-hand side." Later on, I used less of this dowsing ability because it has caused many unpleasant consequences.

     But tonight, I wanted to try again in the half-awake state when I reread these letters. I transformed myself into a young student girl wandering around the old streets with other familiar footsteps. These streets were a love connection between the Girl High School, Trinh Vuong School, and the Pedagogy College...The road along the seaside was where Tan's one-sided love began: "My dear, the sea has changed its color from blue to dark purple. The school is over but haven't you come yet? I am sitting here on the sand, looking forward to seeing your gentle appearance from far away in your innocent footsteps, your long dress flying in the bright afternoon sunshine. I am waiting for you to pass by bringing with you a nice fragrance in the wind and that is enough to have a nice warm dream tonight.

     Tan wrote in his letter about when his love started to show: " The diary lines have started to change direction toward you when you suddenly left behind the time when you were still in a fresh young age and your teenage time has just started to form buds. The green forest has changed a new coat when you put on your lovely student long dress. The stream of love in my soul felt a little guilty when I was admiring you and your newly developed pair of breasts, the lines along your body just starting to form. In my soul, I am not looking at you as a little sister anymore.

     Tonight I am sobbing, letting my soul go back to my teenage time, peaceful and innocent, the excitement of being in love was still as vague as the little waves on the Qui Nhon blue sea. I wished the sea was turbulent on those days so that my soul was like the white waves running onto the sandy immense beach. During my teenage period, I did not have time to flourish because of the dire situation on heaven and earth. Qui Nhon life in a state of tumult within an insecure city was written in Tan's letter:

     "My dear, I've seen the panic and the worries shown on your lovely face. I wanted to wipe away the tears on the side of your eyelashes and your spinky smooth cheeks. When I was standing next to you, witnessing the cruelty of people in the explosion of the sports stadium and Miss Yen, the lovely teacher at the Nu High School lost her life there I realized that the war was coming closer to the city and you would never have the happy and peaceful days again. I wished you were always happy so I would be able to love you forever and your long dress would then be flying forever in my soul.
     I've always wished that there was peace on those streets like Gia Long, Vo Tanh, Nguyen Hue, Tran Cao Van, Phan Boi Chau, Le Loi, Bach Dang, and at the schools: Bo De, Nhan Thao, Cuong De, Trinh Vuong, Cao Bat Ho, Tay Son, Sung Nhon, La San, and the Qui Nhon technical and pedagogy school because these are the places that had us, you and me and all our friends...a flowery time.
     After graduation, I went to college and then to the Military Academy of Da Lat. I also had a lot of dreams, you know. Dream of the university atmosphere, the Duy Tan street lined with the shadowy trees under which I was able to drink a glass of lemonade and drink your sweet lips. And you in this place would be the real YOU."

     Now I understand why Tan had gone to the DaLat Military Officer School and joined the Airborne Division, and his letters, later on, added the smell of gunpowder, the faraway places, the borders.

     "My dear... the memory of you were floating here and there. This afternoon in the deep blue mountains I was dreaming about the city because in that faraway place you were there. At the foot of the clouds was the sunlight that reminds me of you, an unbearable longing for you. The green color from the leaves mixed with the blue color of the sea and I came back from the ocean like the wind that lifted your long dress while walking alone along the empty beach. Did you know that? "

     In one of those letters, Tan reminded me of the beautiful Christmas night when we were together full of dreams. " My darling, the gunshots have temporarily stopped. Should we have to go on fighting forever? The gunshots in my soul have been silent this afternoon, only for this afternoon so that I could wish to be able to hear the echo of the church bells from far away...the cathedral was hidden behind the tamarind branches at the end of the city. I wanted to go back to visit and ask you to go to church together so we can listen to the church hymns and I can look at your face as beautiful as the Virgin Mary's."

     Reading these pages that he wrote to me reminded me of the whole world of old memories. I recalled the times that he came to visit my brother and my family every time he was on leave.

     "My dear, the sunshine in the summer as well as the blue ocean made me temporarily forget about my soldier life, when I don't have to wear my uniform, with just my bathing shorts playing in the waves with my friends which included Hoa and you. In your bathing suit, you were really a young girl then. I looked at you vividly hoping that when I was back on duly I would have an angle in front of me to protect me. Do you know? The days of operation are too long and the months and years are spreading out too far away, I usually, withdrew myself behind the dirt dunes, the cliffs, or the by side of the canals to dream about you. These short dreams after each time I had cleaned up the battlefields, also helped my soul stop hearing the gunshots. They brought me back to the peaceful corner of the city where there were you pleasantly walking with your long dress flying in the wind. The cold wind from the ocean blew into my soul. This is the reason why the next day I can courageously fight in the battle again..."

     I cried and whispered " Thank you Tan, and thank you to those who were holding the guns. My Qui Nhon, yours and everyone's used to have a wonderful time until the day the country was lost! But why? Why did you give up? And then when the war was just over, you left.
Your soul is still floating in these streets, the streets that we used to meet and my soul just started to light the pink candle....
     These were the last lines from Tan:

     "My dear, I hold my face in my hands crying when our beloved cities were gradually falling into the enemies' hands. The paratroopers like us have never shed tears before. My friends and I roared like angry tigers. We have thrown ourselves from one battlefield to another for a month now. When Da Nang lost, I was thinking of Qui Nhon, I was roaring. Did you hear those heartbreaking cries of despair? Before the battle, I kissed my amulet -"you and that city", "you and your long dress flying in the streets where there were your footsteps here and there."
This afternoon, in the middle of the Khanh Duong Pass, the battalion was ordered to station down to prevent the enemy troops from invading Nha Trang...I knew something is wrong here. Have you ever heard of the paratroopers being "pinned down" in one place? Suddenly I miss you, miss you endlessly. The girl that I have been loving secretly. And I am seeing your youth flying away in the wind...I am talking to my own life " .. Ô hay, mình vẫn cô liêu." (Oh! I am still lonely! )

     "My dear, let me dream one more time and whisper to you:

                         The evening is fading at the corner of our hometown
                         My soul's dreaming wings are following your long dress.
                                                                                     (XuanThi)

     These were the verses written in purple ink on the napkin that I found on the table in the shop. My hands and legs became shaken when I saw them. Tan, are you still following me? Did you fall down in the last battle, in the middle of the pass where there was only cold wind passing by? Tell me if you are still in this world? Or if you are already on the other side of the world, please let me see you one more time, please at least one more time. I closed my eyes waiting for the magic force moving hoping to find any spiritual signal.

     A few weeks ago, I had a dream that looked so real. I woke up in the middle of the night, looking through the upstairs window of my bedroom, and suddenly what I saw made my whole body shrink. A shadow hanging in the air. I was about to scream when the shadow turned around and all I could see was a flat face with no eyes, no nose, and no mouth and then the shadow disappeared behind the moving leaves.
     And then a few days ago, I had to close the door of my upstairs room and slept on the couch in the living room because there was a green gecko right in my room. I don't know where it came from but it was lying there staring at me with the pop-eyes. Those ghostly eyes followed every move I made. I raised my hand, stomping my feet, it was still lying there looking at me. Its head was moving up and down as if it wanted to grab me. I closed the door and ran downstairs to call my brother. He reassured me: Just leave it there to me, you don't have to be afraid of a gecko." In the afternoon when my brother came back, he opened the door and the gecko was still there lying on my bed. My brother became panicked, he shut the door closed and told me:" Oh Sis, those eyes are so scary! " Finally with a long broom in his hands with all his courage he opened the door and hit aimlessly into the air. but with just one jump, the gecko disappeared. We couldn't find it anywhere in my room.
     Until today I didn't dare to return to my room. I lighted an incense at the foot of the Buddha statue and prayed with all these letters around me. I gathered all my courage to face the spirit, hoping to resolve his karma and untie his bad actions in this world. The window was wide open. I wanted to welcome an unfamiliar blow of wind, a cold wind from the middle of the past that took away all your youth and also made wilted my springtime.
     I sincerely thought so, I put on my long dress standing by the window talking into the air:
                           "My long dress is still flying, my lips still have fragrance"
                                      "You just have to leave... You just go..."
     It seemed like some footsteps were walking gently, very gently... from the garden late that night...


Xuanthi299@Yahoo.com