The Windy Sandy Land

Phuong promised she would come to visit.
And my first question when I was on the other end of the phone was "Is Tan still alive?"
Phương's hesitation made me anxious.
- When we meet I'll tell you more. There are strange things happening.

At the 25th hour of the war, Phuong's family heard that Tan was killed in the Khánh Dương battle. The funeral was already prepared and the new coffin was still empty because Tan's body had not yet arrived.
And then the whole city of Qui Nhơn was in turmoil, people started running away from the battle. Every body was running but no body knew what was happening after that..
As for myself my heart still got entangled with Tan's death with so many questions that had no definite answers.
My life was obsessed with the feeling that there was a spirit following me close by.
I even went to visit a well known Thai monk to ask him to help release the soul but it didn't go anywhere...
because...
I still felt like there was someone following me, when I opened the door I would see a moving shadow passing by. In the dark corner of the room, there seemed to be a pair of eyes sadly looking and a smile showing the cold white teeth. The curtains on the window was suddenly moving even though there was no wind. Outside in the garden, late at night under the dim moonlight there seemed to have someone's footsteps...
Phuong brought with her a heart- shaped piece of wood cut out from the coffin, she said :
- "This is from Tan's coffin". This piece made from the coffin wood is more effective to use on the Ouija board than the regular wood. Underneath there were 3 legs made of copper that helped it move easier.
- When I have some time I will come to visit you and we can use the Ouija board to talk to Tan's spirit.
I made a sound but didn't really say anything because I felt like there was something cold running down in my spine. Phuong has left but I still didn't dare to open the note book even though I was curious, wanted to know what Tan was writing in his diary. I bent the book to look through the pages wondered where to start and I stopped at a page with some poetic verses of a poem.
     Whenever come back to the pass Khanh Duong
     Still hear the sound of the gun shot cut through the night.
     With the gun smoke covers the defensive line
     Someone's life was sacrificed without regret.
I continued to read:
"Oh! The last gun shot. Do you still hear the sound when that bullet going through?"
(Anh Khong Chet Dau Anh)
... I didn't know or hear anything until when I vaguely opened my eyes and saw myself lying at the surgery hall of the Nguyen Hue Military Hospital. What miracle had brought me from the Khanh Duong battle field to this place?
At this moment, (March, 75) the Nguyen Hue hospital turned into chaos with robbers from outside running in grabbed things and medicine from the medical supply storage.
People ran everywhere, some even stepped over me.
Right in the middle of a brightly halo I saw an angel.
A sweet and nice face in a white nun habit, she gently asked me:
- Will you be able to drag your leg? Let's follow me to the paralyze camp.
I don't know how many years has she been working in this place but she has changed this sick camp of the Military Hospital into a family camp and the nun played the role of a mother who was taking care of a group of disable soldiers. The "paralyze camp" is the highest level of the war suffering.
Head and spine cord injuries have caused the soldiers paralyzed and in need of the young wives' helping hands.
Their youth has gradually fading away on the sick beds and death is the last resource to get away.
Days and night, years after years, their wives were hanging around to take care of their sick soldier -husbands.
During the summer , under the heat from the metal roof the wives were constantly fanning the body of the unfortunate husbands.But at night these couple were allowed to sleep next to each other.
"Needing each other" to them is a reality to overcome the suffering. They need each other to overcome all the hardships of life.
But at this terrible moment, the misery was coming. They were about to face their enemies but there were no guns in their hands and their legs couldn't move. They could only look straight at their enemies 's faces and their indomitability was the last strength that they could have. They just let the enemies curse them, beat them up, they didn't even fought back with their hands, only their wives were screaming and screaming, fought with them and lying over their husbands bodies accepting all the vile blows of the victors.
With a layer of blood-shred bandage coving my face, I laid motionlessly as in a coma and saw the nun running around the beds of the wounded soldiers like a hen trying to guard the chicks from the hawks. She stretched out her arms asking "Oh! my Lords please have mercy on them. They are all paralyzed, they are wounded."
- The wounded ? f... you...
She received a big blow on her face and fell down in front of my bed. Suddenly everything became quiet. Has the aggression become ridiculous ? And they left...?
Maybe they have touched the spiritual world somewhere in their beastly souls. Would the image of a nun suffering for everyone be able to convince people as much as the image of God on the cross?
I jumped up to hold her. She said:
"Don't worry about me, go change into the civilian clothes and get out of here as soon as possible. May God help you."
One of the wives whose husband was in there put in my hand a Guigoz can full of rice and meat. I couldn't hold my tears seeing this can. Oh! The Guigoz can. It had followed the soldiers' life all over the war zone. This Guigoz can food was also the love that the the soldiers' wives sent to their husbands in the distant battle fields.
The bandage full of blood and pus didn't get much of complicated attention and I was able to find the way to get back to Qui Nhon. "Oh! Qui Nhon, I am coming back." Look at the bleak and lifeless Qui Nhon, I did not cry because of the changing of our life but I felt distressed because Qui Nhon was in misery.
Only recently that my Qui Nhơn has changed completely. The sea of Qui Nhơn was still the same, the sky was still blue with clusters of white clouds that have once sublimated the dreams of voyaging. But now we could only see clouds dazedly returning to the indefinite sky.
"Oh! Cloud, please fly away to look for the one I love, somewhere... And you.. Are you in peace ?
The Qui Nhon Sea was still blue and so immense ! It looked so lonely and far away. "Will the sea breeze ever have a chance to lift up the flap of your dress again? Where are the people of Qui Nhon? How could you leave behind this city? It has became an empty city. A city with no soul."
I stomped my feet on the pavement calling the names of each familiar brick but I got no answer. I knocked on each door just wanted to hear the answer "I am here! Your aunt is here ! Your uncle is here!" But then I realized that I am really an orphan.
Passing by your house I wanted to be a madman so the illusion would become a reality.
... Pass by Phuoc Thinh Duong
... I saw it
... Did you see it ?
... Over there. Why is your window still open? The white curtain only covers half of your your shoulder. Your hair looks like a frame of your angelic naive face
... There !
... You're studying. Your shoulder is moving along with the music from the radio.

    Khi tôi về cuộc đời trôi chảy
    Ánh trăng xưa soi trên lối mòn
    Có rừng cây ấm vì nhiều thương nhớ
    Có người yêu cũ nằm chờ bên gối
    (Khi tôi về - Phạm Duy)

    (When I come back, life still runs smoothly
    Moonlight still there shinning on the path
    The forest trees are warm with many loving memories
    My old love is waiting by my pillow.)
Happy! So happy ! I scream !
.. I want to dance !
.. I am a crazy man in the middle of the city !
If I was really crazy I would be happier. In addition to this tattered homeland was there any otherworld that no longer has suffering?

* * * * *
I shivered and could not read any more. I fold the diary book and called Phương.
That night we were setting up a small altar with an incense burner and a cup of cold water.
Phuong said:
- For the deceased just offer one cup of cold water.
I looked around and asked her:
- So the news that Tan was death is really true ?
Phuong was undecided:
- I believe but then I don't believe it. We just have to try to find him by all means. If we can't find him in this world then we have to find him in another world. She said she went back to Qui Nhon to find his whereabout. People told her to go looking for Bay.
- Do you remember her, Xuan ?
- Is that Thanh's mother ?
- That's right.
Thanh was also died at the last moment of the war but he was more fortunate than Tan. His body was brought home. Chi Bay gave him a decent funeral. Her only son had died and she had no other reason to live for. She put up a temporary hut next to it.
In addition to taking care of her son's grave she was also taking care of the graves of her son's fellow soldiers. They were Qui Nhon's children whose lives were taken away. Gradually these graves became the cemetery called "Quan Nguy." Chị Bảy satisfied because her son had friends around. She was waiting for Tan's body to be brought back here her later. She's already had Tan's coffin.

When Tan took down the bandage from his head he told Chi Bay:
"It's me." Chi Bay was embracing him and crying so hard.
From then onTan was living in disguise with his bandage on his head to hide his ugly wound. He was living around the town. Actually all day with a fishing rod and a bottle of water he went to sit at the stone bridge behind the lake. In the afternoon he brought back some of the biggest fish for Chi Bay in exchange for the rice to live by.
Chi Bay's grave caretaker business suddenly made money as many relatives went to this place to look for their husbands' and son's news. Her amateur fortune telling and Ouija Board that she had learned from a fortune teller at Phuoc Thinh Duong, now became useful.
Tan cut the wood from his own coffin to make planchettes for the Ouija boards. People came here to buy these heart-shaped wooden pieces to talk with the spirits from the other world.
In the evening he usually helped Chi Tan to make tea to receive customers.
In daylight Tan went fishing at the stone bridge from morning until late in the afternoon. He brought back the big fish so Chi Bay could exchange them for rice to live by.
Until one night Chi Bay did not see Tan come back and many days after that, she ran to the bridge and found only the fishing rod and a bottle of wine. Many assumptions about Tan's disappearance were discussed. Probably he had escaped by boat, had left Qui Nhon for being exposed, had been eliminated, or probably had followed the resistance group...
Disappointed and sad because she could not see her brother, Phuong said goodbye to Chi Bay. She did not forget to ask Chi Bay to continued to search for Tan's whereabout and let her know as soon as she have any news about him. Before Phuong left Chi Bay gave her Tan' diary and the planchette that was made by Tan himself with his military number engraved on it.

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The planchette was put on a cardboard with twenty five letters written around it. Later on the planchette would stop at these letters. They would be spelled out and a sentence would be formed.
What made this planchette move, I wasn't able to understand but all I knew was that my finger on it started moving mysteriously.
Phuong and I were sitting neatly in front of the Ouija board, smoke from the burned incense started spreading out in the cold, quiet room. The window was wide open for the spirit to come back. Outside the big old yellow moon was distorted by the dark leaves cutting through the moon with strange monstrous looking pictures as if there were thousand of eyes looking at us. Any sound coming from outside startled us. The most horrible ones was the screams of the feral cat looking for its mate.
I wanted to give up but Phuong said we have to be sincere for the soul to come. She took a piece of paper from her purse and said:
"Chi Bay told me to read this chant and the soul will come faster."
At first we had trouble reading it but when we read the third time, it became easier.

      Balan nhất vạn dộng Đình thu
      Nhất kiếm cô phong thuỷ thượng phù
      Vân đạo thần tiên bất khả tiếp
      .....................................
This Chinese poetic verses gave me a vague idea of a world with mountain and water but it did not give me a chill in my spine as when I read the verses about the soul of Dam Tiem appeared in the Kieu story.
      "Unclear soft and loud voices from the praying
      Suddenly a gust of wind sweeping through
      Strongly shaking the trees
      There seemed to have fragrance coming out
      Following the wind to see
      There were foot prints clearly on the moss.
      Fear appeared on everyone's face.
      (Nguyen Du)
Looking pass the window wide open to welcome the soul was the garden dimly lighted by the late half moon. I was mumbling the prayer while expecting a breeze to come but instead there was a loud noise and the flower pot was knocked down, shattered on the ground by a gust of wind passing through the garden. We were sitting closer to each other, panicking and mumbling the incantation.
      Ba lan nhất vạn động đình thu!
      .....................................
Two fingers hold down tightly on the planchette that was vibrating as if it wanted to get out of those fingers pressing down on the cardboard. Our hearts were pounding, mouth wide open when we saw the planchette running pass the words that read: S..P..I.R.I.T. CAN'T STAY LONG... NEXT.. TIME..
We lighted another incense stick and continued to pray. Looking at the smoke coming out from the incense rolling up high and then gradually spread out drawing images in the air.
Suddenly Phuong moved next to me, her hand trembling, pointed toward the window, The smoke was drawing something like a human face.
We both ran into the bedroom and stayed there, did not dare to step out.
I gave up using the Ouija board but everyday I still has a chill feeling when I looked at the planchette still on the altar table.
One day when I had the feeling that something was not right, I decided to bring that piece of coffin wood to the cemetery to bury next to my father's grave.
Unfortunately it was the day of the year that we changed the daily time. At 5 o'clock, it was getting dark. The sunlight was gone in the cemetery. I hurriedly took out a spoon intended to dig a hole in the ground but the soil was not as soft as it usually was. I was difficult to dig a hole through the grass.
The sun went down fast in the evening and trees was filled with darkness. With imaginary eyes moving around , more ghost were spotted. The shadow of the swaying leaves made me trembling, the gravestone began to move. Suddenly there were footsteps behind me getting closer and closer. I stood up abruptly and ran. Those footsteps ran after me. Frantically I wanted to shout as loud as I could but honestly I didn't have anymore breath. I hold tight to the lamp post expecting a bony hand...
An old man's voice in English saying:
- Don't be afraid ! It's closing time, you can take time to leave. There is nothing here.
I brought that wooden coffin piece home and put it back on the altar table, intended to ask for an requiem service and burn it after that.
My intention was not realized yet but many strange noises kept happening in the house at midnight. Sometimes it sounded like there was someone knocking at the door or the footsteps walking in the living room, a squeaky sound as if someone was trying to open the side door to the back yard although I always locked all the doors before I went to bed.
But then...
This morning, how could I explain this even to myself ?
I found out two days ago there were some strange marks on the bathroom table that I thought were the cat footsteps. I wiped them away, but this morning I found those round bloody marks on the table again but then it wasn't the cat footsteps but the round circles evenly connected to make the word X.
Strangely enough, the planchette was lying next to it. I picked up that heart-shaped piece and wanted to throw it through the window but it was horrific because those round marks on the table matched with the rusty metal round piece attached underneath the planchette.
I became calmer and was able to explain where the marks came from but, Oh my God ! Who had brought that piece from the altar to the bathroom ? I ran to the back door to see but my calmness disappeared, my legs wanted to fall off. Someone opened the back door wide open. I tried to look out in the garden, it seemed like someone's shadow just disappeared from the light area.
- Honey ! I covered my face and cried.

* * * * *
I put on my white silk dress, carrying with me the soul of the student age. On my hand was a box containing the heart-shaped piece from the coffin wood...
Before going to the pagoda to have the requiem service I turn to a small road along the coast. I walked alone on the empty beach, letting the wind blowing on my dress. I tossed my hair out thinking as if I was still on the Qui Nhon beach.
I whispered "My dear, look at me for the last time."
I took out from the purse a piece of paper with Tan's poem written on it days ago.
     Afternoon is fading in the corner of the hometown.
     My soul dreamingly flying along with the fluttering flap of your dress.!

The poem verses was floating on the waves, but I hope they would return to the sandy and windy land.


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